I have to say, that this week being an expat sucks!! I don’t know whether it’s a come down from
Amsterdam plants a great weekend with my friends, or the fact I tried to go cold turkey on my meds again but this week life has been a struggle. I took LPV for a meeting with his nursery room leader, who is very nice, her English is about as good as my Dutch so it’s going to be great fun.He was great he went off playing and was happy as a pig in poop but it’s me, I felt like I had to get out of there as I was going to have an anxiety attack. The pain in my chest was getting tighter, what in god’s name was I doing, leaving my child here. It’s a great place, he’ll be really happy and it’s only one day a week but I kept having visions of LPV being all alone, playing in the corner because he’s the only child that speaks English. Will he forgive me for leaving him? Is going to feel completely abandoned? I wouldn’t be doing it if I were at home, am I selfish for wanting a day??? All these questions haven’t help my mood, Zumba lifted my spirits a bit, although at the begining of the class I felt so lonely, I didn’t know anyone and what’s more I could talk to them even if I wanted too.I feel like I have a void in my life sometimes, always waiting for the next visitor or trip to fill it.
Tomorrow will be a new day and next week we will be in Finland with Jo and Serafina, it will be a great amazing happy fix but will the come down be even harder. I know life would be no better if we were home, easier yes but not better, I still would be on these meds, still have my insecurities about motherhood. I would probably still struggle to find the balance in housewife & mother duties. I don’t want people to pitty me nor am I posting this to be self-indulgent, I just want answers as to why when life is so good I’m still down, why isn’t my head behaving like everyone elses. The one thing I am grateful for is Facetime, I pretty much talk to my mam & sister everyday, it makes me miss them less. Love you guys.xx